Red Nose Day Jokes

I asked people to put down jokes and I would make a donation to the appeal. It has to be said that, whilst the quqntity was forthcoming, quality was something that failed to appear.

Zoe:
what do you call a dead man who has been buried for five years ?

Pete

Zoe:
what do you call a woman with one leg ?

Eileen

Matron:
What do you call a fish with an engine and 2 wheels?

A motorpike.

What do you call a fish with an engine and 3 wheels?

A motorpike with sidecarp - boom boom!

Lisa:
what's brown and sticky?

A stick.

what do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

the other half:
how many folk singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

4. 1 to change it and the other 3 to sing about how good the old one was!

how many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

only two. now getting them in the light-bulb's the tricky part!

what do you call a mushroom with a crate of beer?

a fungi to be with!

Shelagh:
How do you get 50 Pikachu onm a bus?

Pokemon!

What do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a scruffy cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck-filled tatty puss!

Lonetree:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Lonetree:
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

'It opens at noon,' answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?' he asks.

'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered 'When joo shay the bar opins at?'

The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.'

'No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!

Nigel:
Legless man waiting at bus stop. Bus driver pulls up and shouts over to him, "Hi, Bill. How you getting on?"

suebailey
A burglar is creeping through a dark house. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching!"
He stops very still, but hears nothing else, so he goes on.
Then he hears the voice again: "Jesus is watching!" All is silent, so he continues. The voice comes again, "Jesus is watching!" and as his eyes adjust, he sees a parrot in a cage.

"Was that you talking?" he asks the parrot, and the bird says "yes." "What's your name, little birdy?" asks the burglar.
"Algernon," replies the parrot.
"Algernon!" laughs the burglar, "who'd call a parrot Algernon?"

The parrot replies "the same person who'd call the rottweiler Jesus."

'bel:
Never criticise a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

Dan:
A man goes to the doctor's and says "Doctor, doctor, I can't pronounce the letters 'F' and 'TH'." The doctor looks at him and says "Well, you can't say fairer than that".

A guy goes to a butchers, and the butcher says to him "I bet you five hundred and sixty-four thousand nine hundred and twelve pounds that you can't get those pieces of meat down from that shelf up there". The guy looks up, thinks for a minute, and says "No, the steaks are too high".

There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?".

Peter:
Doctor is called to a house where the wife is gravely ill. "How long has she got to live?" asks the husband, anxiously.
"Five minutes."
"Oh doctor, is there nothing you can do for her?" "I could boil her an egg."

mike:
If you delete someone from your Blogroll because their site is on hiatus, does that make it a Hiatian Divorce?

Cathy:
A blonde knocks on a man's door and asks if there are any odd jobs she could do for some money. The man asks her to paint his porch, to which she agrees. He gives her the can of paint and leaves her to it.

An hour later, she knocks on his door again to give back the empty paint can (and to get paid).

"Just one thing," she says. "That's not a Porch, that's a Ferrari."

Zoe:
a man walked into a bar and said "ouch".

Moi:
What goes ha ha bonk?
A man laughing his head off

Marton:
A woman goes to the doctor co's every time she pulls her nickers down, 2 little men come out of her noo-noo and poke their tongues out.

The doctor finds this hard to believe so ha asks for a demo which she does. The doctor can't believe his eyes and has to check his manual for some advise. After some time he asks her, "have you recently had breast enlargements?". "yes" she replies. "Well there's the problem" he sais. "It's your silly-cunt-in-pants"

Cathy:
A piece of string walks into a bar. The barman takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve string in here."

So the piece of string goes outside, ruffles up his hair a lot and returns to the bar. The barman looks suspiciously at him, and says, "Are you the piece of string that was in here earlier?"

"No," says the string, "I'm afraid not."

dvd:
two parrots sitting on a perch. one says to the other, "can you smell fish?"

two men walk into a bar. the barman says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Gordon:
Two lions walking down Oxford Street, one turns to the other and says "Quiet, isn't it...."

Ben:
Why did Lenin drink peppermint tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

Gert:
There are three types of accountant in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't

'bel:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth; and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

'bel
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever see." The woman, fuming, goes to the back of the bus, sits down and says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey."

drD:
Q.What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
A. Bernadette

Q.What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff?
A. A leisure centre.

Q.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
A.Mat.

Amanda:
Why is a man like a wombat?
Because he eats roots and leaves.

Mark:
How do you confuse an Irishman? Show him ten spades and tell him to take his pick.

Donal is an Irishman lost in the desert. He's been crawling across the sand for days without water and is close to dying. As he stumbles across the dunes, he comes across a dirty old lantern.

He picks up the lantern and rubs it, whereupon a genie appears from the spout.

"You have released me from my eternal imprisonment," says the genie, "and in return, I will grant you three wishes."

Donal thinks on this for a second or two and replies, "Sure, I've been dying of thirst out here for days now. I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never runs dry."

So, the genie grants his wish. Donal picks up the bottle of cold, refreshing Guinness and drinks until it's empty. The moment he sets it down upon the sand, however, it magically refills itself. Donal drinks again. And again. And again.

The genie waits patiently then asks, "And what of your other two wishes?"

Donal thinks, looks at the Guinness and says, "Well, I'd definitely go for another two of these."

Chig:
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russell

Pat:
An alsatian went to a telegram office and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

trish:
why is american beer like sex in a canoe?
it's f**king close to water.

Kristen:
Q:what do you call a three legged donkey?
A: a wonky!

Q:what do you call 5 blondes lined up, ear to ear?
A: a wind tunnel

Q: what do you call a blonde with two brain cells
A: EITHER 1) gifted or 2) pregnant

Junio:
Q: How do you drive a Belgian mad?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him there's a freedom fry in the corner.

Q: Which planet can you wipe?
A: Uranus.

Rach:
Two snowmen stood in a field. One snowman says to the other snowman, "Can you smell carrots?"

tucola:
A bloke and his wife are in the business of smuggling rare animals out of exotic locations, to star in zoos and circuses.

One day, they are attempting to get a rare Patagonian skunk and an Amazonian python out of South America. The animals are boxed up in the back of their plane and ready to go. But there is a crackdown by the authorities. Just before they are to take-off, an official instructs them to taxi their plane over for a surprise inspection.

The husband thinks fast. He gets the snake out of the box and ties it round his waist like a belt, then instructs his wife:

"Get that skunk out of it's box and stick it down your pants"
His wife looks shocked and replies, aghast:
"But what about the smell"?
The husband shrugs:
"This is an emergency, if it dies, it dies".

tucola:
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers

tucola:
There's this bloke who as a young man was well into tractors. He collected models, went to agricultural shows, read up on vintage tractors, the lot. But then he got married and his wife got fed up with his obsessive behaviour, and he agreed to give it all up to spend more time with her.

One day he and the wife go down their local for a pint and find out that the pub darts championship is about to take place. But there's a problem. So many people have been smoking that the air is thick with smog and the players can't see the board through the haze.

The bloke steps up:
"I can sort this out"

Then he stills his chest out, opens his mouth and sucks hard, and swallows down all the smoky air, leaving the pub atmosphere clear and bright.

"How the fuck did you do that?", the landlord asks.

"Easy mate. See, I'm an ex-tractor fan".

Penny:
What does ADD stand for?
Attention Deficit LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

Blue Witch
What do you call a sheep with one leg?
A candyfloss.

HevOnly:
This guy was at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly."
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? "They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get another beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
"Well, she says, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

HevOnly:
What's got 2 legs and bleeds alot?
Half a dog

There were 2 crisp packets walking down the road.
A car pulled up and said "Would you like a lift?"
The crisp packets said "No thanks we're Walkers"

How do u make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.

Why did the squirrel swim on it's back?
To keep it's nuts dry.

Nine:
How many old-school punks does it take to change a light bulb?
You wouldn't know because you weren't fucking THERE, man!

drD:
Q: What 's red and sticky and sits in the corner crying?
A: A baby sucking razor blades

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A nun just back from a nudist camp in Africa

Q: What's green and goes up-down up-down up-down etc?
A: A bogie in a lift

A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other.
The crew were marooned.

What do you get if you cross a Jehova's witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who Knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck-off!

Morgaine:
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Simon:
Does it change many dyslexics how to take a light bulb?

Morgaine:
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Kleerly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Kleerly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Kleerly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and continue with the Kleerly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing . . . "I can see Kleerly now Lorraine has gone."

jayne:
Why did Frosty the Snowman drop his pants?
Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

pinky:
why did the man cross the road?
because his hand was stuck up the chicken.